For decades, the prevailing wisdom was that parenting was a one-way street: parents provided, children obeyed, and if everyone played their roles correctly, a tight-knit family bond was supposed to be the natural outcome. Yet, as many parents are now discovering, that assumed equation doesn’t always add up. Instead, a growing number are finding themselves distanced—emotionally or even physically—from their adult children, puzzled over where things went wrong. This generation, with a majority leaning into tough love and an undiagnosed allergy to therapy, is learning a difficult truth. Parenting isn’t just about raising a child; it’s about earning an adult relationship. You are not guaranteed a relationship
Parenting is a job. A hard, thankless, often exhausting job. But, like any job, the way you perform has long-term consequences. Many emotionally immature parents assume that raising their children—feeding them, clothing them, providing for their education—automatically entitles them to lifelong loyalty and deep emotional closeness. But those are just the basic job requirements.
The real performance review comes later, when the child grows into an independent adult who now has the ability to choose how much access they want to give their parents. And many are choosing less.
Emotionally immature parents tend to see their children as mere reflections of their own identity, functioning to satisfy their personal expectations. This is why their greatest fear is their children confronting them about less-than-desirable behavior. The realization that their child has independent thoughts, feelings, and the right to set boundaries can be deeply unsettling for these parents, who often react with denial, defensiveness, or even anger. Instead of acknowledging their child's pain, they may attempt to invalidate it, insisting, "I did my best," as if that alone should erase any harm done.
What does foster thriving relationships? Accountability. Acknowledging past mistakes, making amends where necessary, and actively working on communication. Many parents assume that if they “did their best,” their children should automatically let bygones be bygones. But relationships don’t work that way. True repair requires effort, not just expectation.
What was once seen as “good parenting” is now being re-evaluated through a modern lens, and the hard truth is this: just because a parent did what they thought was right doesn’t mean it landed well.
Many parents struggle with the idea that they might have unintentionally hurt their children. But instead of taking offense, the real opportunity is to listen, reflect, and adjust.
If you’re a parent realizing that your adult child is distant, take heart—relationships can evolve. Here’s how:
Listen Without Defensiveness – If your child expresses hurt or sets boundaries, don’t immediately dismiss it. Instead of responding with, “That’s not true!” try, “I didn’t realize you felt that way—tell me more.”
Respect Their Autonomy – Your child is now an adult with their own life, stresses, and priorities. Be the kind of person they want to make time for, not someone they feel obligated to appease.
Apologize Without Excuses – A real apology isn’t “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It’s “I’m sorry for the way I acted. I see now how it hurt you, and I want to do better.”
Be Open to Change – If your child expresses a need for different dynamics, be willing to adjust. Whether it’s how you communicate, how often you visit, or how you react to their decisions—flexibility is key.
Show Up for Who They Are Now – Many adult children feel unseen by their parents, who still treat them as the kids they once were. Take the time to know the person they’ve become.
If your adult child isn’t prioritizing a relationship with you, don’t ask why they changed—ask what you might have done to create this outcome. Parenting isn’t just about getting a child to 18; it’s about the long game. And when that long game plays out, your relationship isn’t given—it’s granted, based on the connection, trust, and mutual respect you’ve built.
Until next time, friends.
Stephanie Pascarella is the co-founder of Birdsong Medical Center. As a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Stephanie offers consciousness-based coaching built upon the fundamentals of Ayurveda and meditation, offering comprehensive wellness programs that leverage the latest in neuroscience, evolutionary and positive psychology for individuals. As a seasoned health and wellness advocate educated under Deepak Chopra with a deep-rooted knowledge of Ayurvedic healing practices, Stephanie has spent over a decade exploring the profound connections between the physical and spiritual aspects of living.
Additionally, Stephanie is an internationally recognized environmentalist as Founder of Wash with Water. Trusted since 2012 as a global CPG leader in the wellness sector, Stephanie has successfully partnered with non-profits like rePurpose Global to fund the collection, processing, and reuse of ocean-bound plastic waste. Building one of the first certified Negative Plastic Footprint, BCorp and Climate Neutral companies, Stephanie Pascarella has enabled the removal of millions of pounds of low-value plastic waste otherwise landfilled, burned, or flushed into the oceans every year.
