Pascarella
'Tis the season for breaking the rules that may feel deeply ingrained into your family tree, but it may just take an agent of change relative like yourself to prove they’re not set in stone. Breaking free from dysfunctional patterns requires courage and intentionality. Start small: set boundaries, invite honest dialogue, and prioritize emotional health over appearances. The holidays can become a time of healing and joy—not just for enduring.
Let’s dissect some of the most common “rules” and explore why they persist, and what we can do to rewrite them.
Rule 1: Keep the Most Powerful Family Members Content
Every family has its unspoken power dynamics, and holidays often revolve around keeping the dominant personalities content. Whether it’s appeasing a matriarch’s rigid schedule or tiptoeing around a patriarch’s temper, the focus shifts from mutual joy to a collective effort to avoid conflict. But what if we challenged this rule? Prioritizing kindness and fairness over appeasement might just lead to a more genuine celebration.
Rule 2: Traditions Over People
“We’ve always done it this way,” becomes the mantra of the season. While traditions can bring comfort and a sense of continuity, they should never come at the expense of individual well-being. If a tradition feels more like an obligation than a joy, it might be time to reimagine it. Traditions should evolve to reflect the people they’re meant to bring together.
Rule 3: Appearances Are Everything
Picture-perfect holiday photos and meticulously curated table settings often mask underlying tension. This obsession with appearances can stifle authenticity and leave everyone exhausted. True connection happens in the messy, unfiltered moments—not in perfectly staged Instagram posts.
Rule 4: Ignore Offensive Behavior to Keep the Peace
“Don’t make waves” is the golden rule of dysfunctional family gatherings. Calling out inappropriate remarks or behavior often results in being labeled the troublemaker. Yet, allowing harmful actions to go unchecked perpetuates toxicity. It’s possible to address issues respectfully while setting boundaries that protect everyone’s dignity.
Rule 5: Excuse Bad Behavior as "Just Their Way"
This rule acts as a free pass for bad behavior. While it’s important to accept people’s quirks, it’s equally important to hold them accountable when their actions harm others. Let’s replace complacency with constructive conversations that encourage growth and understanding.
The holiday season is a time of joy, connection, and celebration — at least in theory. For many, however, it’s a crash course in navigating the unspoken rules of a dysfunctional family dynamic. These rules, often passed down like heirlooms, can turn a simple holiday gathering into a theatrical performance where everyone plays their assigned roles. This holiday season, let’s gather the courage to rewrite the rules and create celebrations that honor authenticity, harmony, and gratitude for the people that mean the most to us.
Until next time, friends.
Stephanie Pascarella is the co-founder of Birdsong Medical Center. As a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Stephanie offers consciousness-based coaching built upon the fundamentals of Ayurveda and meditation, offering comprehensive wellness programs that leverage the latest in neuroscience, evolutionary and positive psychology for individuals. As a seasoned health and wellness advocate educated under Deepak Chopra with a deep-rooted knowledge of Ayurvedic healing practices, Stephanie has spent over a decade exploring the profound connections between the physical and spiritual aspects of living.
Additionally, Stephanie is an internationally recognized environmentalist as Founder of Wash with Water. Trusted since 2012 as a global CPG leader in the wellness sector, Stephanie has successfully partnered with non-profits like rePurpose Global to fund the collection, processing, and reuse of ocean-bound plastic waste. Building one of the first certified Negative Plastic Footprint, BCorp and Climate Neutral companies, Stephanie Pascarella has enabled the removal of millions of pounds of low-value plastic waste otherwise landfilled, burned, or flushed into the oceans every year.